Sunday, February 1, 2009

The meaning of a "key"

After my sad morning, I ran some last minute errands and picked up some necessities for Costa Rica. Jules left me a comment that she can't believe it's Costa Rica time!

Neither. Can. I!
It's not like me at all to leave things to the last minute but between working, babygirl1s' visit, and my Mr. J time, the trip literally bolted out of nowhere.

After my errands and dinner with Buddy, I made my way over to Mr. J's. He has been working a ton too in preparation for State inspection. He also moved out old furniture yesterday and had the new stuff delivered. My point to all of this, is that when I finally got over to his place last night he was asleep! I was disappointed but hid my emotion because I knew it was immature.

I wanted him to go to Walmart with me (note: I NEVER go to Walmart. I'm a Target girl but I couldn't find a travel alarm clock at Target so I had no choice) but he was pretty wiped out. As I was walking out, I told him to leave the door unlocked for me and as I turned around to say "see ya" he handed me this:

A Key.
He then said to me "You have the key to my heart so I want you to have a key to my place."

I said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I couldn't digest it that fast. I just took the key and walked out the door.

Call me a baby but, I cried all the way to Walmart. Not because I was so touched he gave me a key to his place AND his heart. No. I cried because I spent 5 years with VIP and never got a key to his place. I only had a garage door opener that I would return when I was not staying there.

I cried because the man I loved with every ounce of my body, never let me have a key to his heart that was locked tighter than fort knox.

I thought about this man, Mr. J who told me 2 weeks ago that he has never felt so connected with a woman as he does with me. I thought about how, at the time, I thought the same but didn't want to tell him and admit it completely to myself.

Lastly, I thought about a post I read on Linda's blog about baggage we have from past relationships that inevitably carry over to the present one. Can I ever let myself love anyone again?

Sadly, I know that I'm so afraid to let go, so afraid I will get hurt. My gut tells me that Mr. J, for the long term is not the guy for me. His baggage is excessive and I'm don't think long term I can do it. I'm honest, brutally and he accepts it.

But, I have this fucking key and it moves me deeply. In my world, a key is a big deal. I have only handed out one key and I think you all know who had it and the way that turned out.

I looked up "key" and here are some interesting definitions.

*A means of access, control, or possession.

*A vital, crucial element*

This last meaning is the one that I totally relate too. It means a lot for one to give a key to their home, their secure ground. It means that they trust you and feel safe with you. And, although I'm deeply touched,I'm scared to death.

When I came back, I told him my fears, the huge significances of a key. He just pulled me close and said "It's OK baby. Let's just enjoy the moment. That's really all we have. We will figure out the future as it unfolds."

Is it really that simple? I'm the girl who wants everything figured out before it happens.

Maybe that's the problem.


Vegas Linda Lou said...

Wow. Such honesty.

"Sadly, I know that I'm so afraid to let go, so afraid I will get hurt. My gut tells me that Mr. J, for the long term is not the guy for me."

These two sentences don't seem to be related. Mr. J's attentiveness seems to trigger fears of emotional intimacy, but I get the feeling that he himself is kind of "close, but no cigar."

Jesus, I've been a friggin' armchair psychologist today--how annoying is that?

Have a wonderful trip! Looking forward to hearing all about it.


Soxy Deb said...

Oh sweetie, you know I haven't been reading you very long, but you do seem like you need to have everything laid out for you. Sometimes things aren't like that. Soemtimes you have to jump, both feet, blindly and hope for the best. And sure, you may get hurt (again), but that's also part of it. Everything we feel or do, everyone we love all our experiences make us who we are.
I hope you will just take it one step at a time. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. Let it. And just enjoy it for what it is. And for however long it lasts. Maybe forever...

"J" said...


I think it is as SWEET as ever!!!! I say just deal with it one day at a time and see where this life takes you!!!! =)

He sounds like a really sweet guy....I don't think he is there to hurt you!!!

One day at a time!!!!!

PS - 32! 33 in April! =)

Danica Lynn said...

I love how honest you are.

I think you should let yourself enjoy the moment and if something comes of it, then so be was meant to be. I know it's hard to forget the past and heal from a broken heart.

Hang in there.

Enjoy your time in Costa Rica. :-)

Chocolate Covered Daydreams said...

He's right...enjoy the moment. But, also ask yourself if there's a possibility that it really could work and that you're just afraid?

Have a wonderful trip! Can't wait to see the pictures!

ModernMom said...

I am spanking brand new to the blogging deal....even newer at leaving comments, but just had to write one to this post! I had tears my eyes reading this one. Hope you don't mind if I say try to enjoy the moment....yeah you :)