After my sad morning, I ran some last minute errands and picked up some necessities for Costa Rica. Jules left me a comment that she can't believe it's Costa Rica time!
Neither. Can. I!
It's not like me at all to leave things to the last minute but between working, babygirl1s' visit, and my Mr. J time, the trip literally bolted out of nowhere.
After my errands and dinner with Buddy, I made my way over to Mr. J's. He has been working a ton too in preparation for State inspection. He also moved out old furniture yesterday and had the new stuff delivered. My point to all of this, is that when I finally got over to his place last night he was asleep! I was disappointed but hid my emotion because I knew it was immature.
I wanted him to go to Walmart with me (note: I NEVER go to Walmart. I'm a Target girl but I couldn't find a travel alarm clock at Target so I had no choice) but he was pretty wiped out. As I was walking out, I told him to leave the door unlocked for me and as I turned around to say "see ya" he handed me this:
He then said to me "You have the key to my heart so I want you to have a key to my place."
I said ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I couldn't digest it that fast. I just took the key and walked out the door.
Call me a baby but, I cried all the way to Walmart. Not because I was so touched he gave me a key to his place AND his heart. No. I cried because I spent 5 years with VIP and never got a key to his place. I only had a garage door opener that I would return when I was not staying there.
I cried because the man I loved with every ounce of my body, never let me have a key to his heart that was locked tighter than fort knox.
I thought about this man, Mr. J who told me 2 weeks ago that he has never felt so connected with a woman as he does with me. I thought about how, at the time, I thought the same but didn't want to tell him and admit it completely to myself.
Lastly, I thought about a post I read on Linda's blog about baggage we have from past relationships that inevitably carry over to the present one. Can I ever let myself love anyone again?
Sadly, I know that I'm so afraid to let go, so afraid I will get hurt. My gut tells me that Mr. J, for the long term is not the guy for me. His baggage is excessive and I'm don't think long term I can do it. I'm honest, brutally and he accepts it.
But, I have this fucking key and it moves me deeply. In my world, a key is a big deal. I have only handed out one key and I think you all know who had it and the way that turned out.
I looked up "key" and here are some interesting definitions.
*A means of access, control, or possession.
*A vital, crucial element*
This last meaning is the one that I totally relate too. It means a lot for one to give a key to their home, their secure ground. It means that they trust you and feel safe with you. And, although I'm deeply touched,I'm scared to death.
When I came back, I told him my fears, the huge significances of a key. He just pulled me close and said "It's OK baby. Let's just enjoy the moment. That's really all we have. We will figure out the future as it unfolds."
Is it really that simple? I'm the girl who wants everything figured out before it happens.
Maybe that's the problem.