Sunday, November 2, 2008

Loneiness

I worked a 24 hour shift yesterday (still here and oh, I think it was actually 25 hours with the time change). I was busy during the day but my evening was great. Allow for some time to have dinner with Cowgirl whom is a fellow co-worker.

When we are not working or talking about work, I really love cowgirl's company. We can laugh about the most random things until our guts are about to split open. We have shared some intimate details of our lives and then shed a few tears. I admire her strength, owning a ranch by herself with 3 horses, 2 dogs and a goat. I love the idea of a ranch, but I couldn't do that.

But if we talk about work. OMG, I literally can't stand her.
She is a whiner. She complains about the workload. She bitches about other Midwifes. She rags on the management.

I have work a fair amount of jobs in my life and have learned that no place is perfect. Especially if you work with predominantly females.

I told her last night we couldn't talk about work.

She agreed.

towards the end of dinner we started talking about Love. Cowgirl recently went to New York to meet a man in person that she had been chatting with for months online.
She told me all the details and that she had a really nice time. She said he will be in Vegas next month and wants her to meet him there. She doesn't want to go because she wants to find "him"(love of her life) and she feels he is only interested in "it"(sex).

Something clicked in my head and I began to see a clear picture and what makes this strong woman so bitter.

After a nasty divorce, a devastating breakup and many, many causal flings, cowgirl, at 56, has found herself alone.
Alone and lonely. And this combination has made her bitter. She realizes now that it's quite possible she may be alone the rest of her life and she is terrified.

I saw it in my Mother as I was growing up but I was to young to recognize what it was that made her at first, quite, the angry and lastly bitter. As I got older, I realized that all those years she was deeply lonely and could never get past my Father's distance and later her lover's unwillingness to commit to her.

The sadness of a woman's heart.

Why is it that some woman can learn to be alone and happy and others simply can not? There is a difference between being alone and being lonely but some can't separate the two.

For me, it's a choice.

Three years ago I was 42 years old and my heart had just been crushed. I decided to take a recovery trip to Kauai. I was forced to be alone. I realized that in my adult years, I had never been alone and I had no idea WHO I was. i think this terrified me more then being alone. When you don't know who you are, you make a lot of wrong choices.

Loneliness. Can be a bitch.






1 comment:

Julie said...

Please God, don't let me be one of those alone and bitter women. There have been days I was afraid I was headed that direction, but thankfully I've felt much different recently!

Seriously...you + me = Vegas. We'd have a freaking blast.